tech etc...

Returning from a career break

20 Oct 2024

I’ve returned to work after a longer-than-expected career break raising my daughter –– and moving halfway across the world twice (plus a family health emergency).

The last year has been hectic to say the least.

But I finally have the headspace and time to reflect, and I wanted to share the lessons I learned.

My return from career break felt unusual because I wasn’t returning to my old place of work but starting a new job at a new company.

Most of the mom-engineers I know, and there aren’t many, return to the same team or at least the same organisation following parental leave.

The lessons here are based on my experience starting somewhere new, realising it wasn’t the right fit, and returning to where I used to work.

_{A note on audience: I can only speak from my experience. Therefore this blog is geared towards cis women returning from a child-related career break. I’d love to hear the experience of fathers, parents, anyone who has taken a 12+ month career break.}

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Needs vs wants

Identify needs and wants, then find a balance

After an 18-month career break, doing a bit of coding and tech work here and there, I felt hungry for a challenge.

I wanted to explore new technologies, work on things I hadn’t worked on before, push myself –– prove myself.

Those were wants.

But what did my mind and body need? Did I need to make space for rest? What kind of pace was I looking for? How much capacity did I have for new experiences?

Looking back I wish I’d identified my needs and balanced my wants with my needs (and responsibilities).

Why didn’t I do this? I suspect my decisions were guided by fear and the societal pressure to do it all as some new mothers feel.

New vs old skills

Building new parent skills is work

I can’t say this enough: building new parent skills is work.

I’m learning more about my child every day and much of my headspace is dedicated to being attuned to their changing and developing needs as well as my own.

I’m also learning as much as I can about this new role: child developmental psychology, stages of physical development, the science of sleep, attachment theory, baby/toddler communication skills, emotional regulation techniques, phonics, baby sign language, how to teach numeracy.

It’s exhausting.

Returning to my career I realised I hadn’t appreciated how challenging it would be to do both work learning and parent learning.

I wish I hadn’t put as much pressure on myself to be everything at once: parent, engineer, partner.

If you can, find a role, a team, an organisation that appreciates these challenges and supports a balance.

Life rhythms

Understand and respect updated life rhythms

My daily rhythm is different now.

I wake up at 5:30AM, sometimes earlier. My sleep is disrupted (normal for baby and toddler sleep patterns).

My child falls asleep between 7:30 and 8PM.

I wind down (screens off, etc) at 9PM to make sure I get enough sleep given the variables I’m juggling.

There isn’t the time I used to have for evening side projects, blogging, reading about SRE, practicing my craft –– often by 8PM I’m already exhausted and need that time to recharge my mental or physical health.

Perhaps subconsciously I assumed returning to engineering I’d be the same person, with the same life rhythms, I was before I had a child.

This just isn’t the case.

I now realise how important it is to respect these new rhythms and not feel guilty about them.

Familiar vs unfamiliar

Appreciate the impact of choosing the familiar vs unfamiliar

For me, the distinction between familiar and unfamiliar work environments has been critical.

I didn’t appreciate this difference when I started looking for engineering work.

My circumstances were a bit unique here: I had the newness of being a first-time parent, the stress of moving across the world and then the stress of moving back after nine months. Throw in a family health emergency which brought new experiences, concepts, and stresses –– there was a lot of new things going on.

Starting at an unfamiliar place––with all new tech, people, relationships, processes, tooling––ended up being just too much new.

Since I’ve returned to where I used to work before my career break I can really tell the difference. I’m more at ease, feel at home on my team, and picked up work within the first week, delivering features for our service.

I’m not saying you should choose the familiar over the unfamiliar, both have their pros/cons and depend on context. I’m saying understand there is difference and make an informed decision about what’s right for you (if this is a choice you can make).

It’s not always possible or desirable to return to a previous workplace. Maybe it’s been years and returning isn’t an option.

If you are starting somewhere new, I’d recommend the following:

• Ask about support for new parents. During the interview process ask how the organisation onboards new parents, what support they have in place, what kind of parent community exists, what type of adjustments they make (if any).
• Advocate for a 6-month probation. Give yourself a long runway to ramp up, you may not need it but it’s helpful to have just in case.
• Create a clear 30/60/90/120 day plan. Both you and your line manager should be crystal clear about the expectations for the first few months. Adjust as you go.

Also know it’s ok to walk away from somewhere that doesn’t feel like the right fit.

Finally

After nearly a year back doing SRE I feel so much more settled.

I believe this is a mix of finding the role in the right team and at the right organisation, as well as the way I’ve learned, adapted, and grown.

I now have the headspace to think and write about the things which interest me.