On curveballs
01 Aug 2023Tldr: we’re moving back to London.
Back in December we moved to Seattle for my husband’s job.
Unfortunately life threw us a curveball and he was laid off by the Big Tech firm he worked for. We’ve spent the last few months figuring out next steps.
Along the way we learned some valuable lessons in handling uncertainty, making big life decisions, and what we’d do differently.
I thought these were worth sharing.
Before I start
None of what I’m about to say would be possible without financial, health, and migration security.
We both work in in-demand fields and can find work at least somewhere. Neither of us struggle with health issues and can depend on a severance package for healthcare. We can also depend on local family.
There were many, many things we didn’t have to worry about over the last few months and all because of intersections of class, race, ablism, gender identity, and national origin. The fact that we walked away from this curveball experience feeling ok is the definition of privilege.
The number of people I know here, friends and family, who are one curveball away from financial or health catastrophe or being unhoused should be unacceptable but it isn’t (this is America).
Handling uncertainty
According to a one study “uncertainty causes more stress than inevitable pain”.
Here are few things we did to get us through.
Affirm safety
A valuable tidbit of brain trivia is that our brains are constantly checking our environment and asking “are we safe?”. Constantly. Every moment.
This checking goes into overdrive when uncertainty is present (see this Psychology Today piece).
One of the first things we did as a couple was affirm our safety (again, it is a privilege to be able to do this).
That’s it.
Weird as it sounds, just saying “we’re safe” from time to time was helpful.
Reframe
Another psychology tip I’ve picked up is the power of reframing an experience.
In our bodies the physical sensation of fear is similar to excitement (up to a point of course). If we recognise the sensations of fear/anxiety, mindfully intervene, we can “reframe” fear as excitement and thus cultivate a sense of joy and anticipation.
Over the last few months we reframed our curveball as an adventure, a chance to learn something about ourselves and each other.
This also helped.
Be flexible
Situations change. New information provides more context or more uncertainty. It’s been critical to stay flexible, especially when it comes to our expectations.
This quote from that Psychology Today article really resonated:
When your mind is already made up before each new experience, you become unteachable and can no longer receive insights. Unmaking your mind or emptying it of expectations opens you to receive the teachable moments in each new experience
As best we could we tried to keep our expectations flexible.
Stay present
A glorious fact of being a parent: babies are pure presence.
Parenting requires being in the moment and encourages us to let go of what was or what will be.
The future is unknowable, why spend energy worrying about “what ifs” when there’s a world to discover.
Making big decisions
Ultimately we had to make a Big Life Decision: commit to living in Seattle or move back to London.
Both had a strong list of pros/cons.
Return to first principles
I think this is a fancy way of saying know your values.
Regardless, taking the time to interrogate what our values were and then articulate them made it easier to make this Big Decision.
We used these values to help answer the question “how does this path/decision/option align with what we want our life to be like”?
All experience is information
I developed this idea from something I learned in child psychology: all behaviour is communication.
Crying is communication, throwing food is communication, etc. It’s neither negative nor positive, the goal is to figure out what the child is trying to communicate through their behaviour.
How we experience a Big Decision (i.e, physically, emotionally, intellectually) is information about the decision.
Staying curious about the experience instead of judging it, over-thinking it, or assigning it value helped bring clarity in some challenging moments.
Do the next most important thing
This was something my husband and I picked up from the book Four Thousand Weeks (I highly recommend it).
When he was laid off it felt like there were a million tasks we needed to complete and no clear way forward. It was hard to figure out priorities.
Asking ourselves “what’s the next most important thing” helped narrow our focus and provided a path forward.
Using the “now”, “next”, “later” model was also useful.
Next time
I really hope there isn’t a next time.
While I’m grateful for our time here and wouldn’t change it for the world, being moved to another country and then after six months realise you have to move back is a bit of a faff.
There’s only one thing I’d do differently: commit to a path earlier.
We tried hard to stay in Seattle because there’s a lot we love about living here. However, it was a long shot because what my husband does is specific to the UK/EU.
Committing to a path earlier could’ve saved us a headache and reduced our stress levels.
I think I underestimated the power and potential ease of pivoting.