What parenting taught me about being a programmer
25 Feb 2023Last month I wrote about what programming taught me about being a parent. I’ve found in the (nearly) year of being a parent there are valuable parenting lessons I’d like to bring to my life as software engineer.
Rupture/repair
Before I gave birth I read Phillipa Perry’s book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) and found parts of it quite profound. One of the concepts she introduces in the parent/child relationship is that of rupture and repair.
Ruptures in the parent child relationship are normal, just like conflict is normal in human relationships.
What’s key is to recognise when ruptures happen, identify why they happened (more on that next), and repair the relationship as soon as we can.
Working in teams and pair programming it’s equally important to realise ruptures will happen and then do the work to repair the bonds.
Really get to know yourself
Another thought-provoking tidbit from Perry’s book was the importance of knowing yourself, really knowing yourself.
As parents how we react to our children often says more about the way we were treated as children than what our children are doing in the present.
Perry gives the example of reacting in anger to her daughter’s request for help on a jungle gym (“Come on, just do it yourself!”). It’s only later she realises her outburst is a reflection of the anger she felt at her mother who wouldn’t allow her to be independent.
Perry encourages readers to pause in moments of anger and introspect: where is this feeling coming from? Am I reacting to my child’s actions or something in my past?
I have found this approach incredibly useful in communicating openly and compassionately with my child and my partner. It’s diffused internal tension and anxiety, as well as given me insights into how I was raised that I hadn’t even realised.
I believe the importance of pausing and introspecting applies more generally in the professional world, especially in teams.
How we respond to the people we work with is a strong mix of our own experience and psychology and how we’re interpreting their actions in the present.
If we know ourselves, really know ourselves––our psychology, formative events, reactions, patterns, behaviours––we’re better able at interacting with compassion for ourselves and perhaps for others.
Sustainable pace
Shifting gears a bit with this point.
One of the biggest lessons I learned over the last year-ish is the importance of working at a sustainable pace.
My baby cannot do all the things in a day.
Her awake times are short relative to an adult and in her early months she was especially sensitive to over-stimulation.
All this meant our days had to be sustainable, we couldn’t do All The Things, I couldn’t do all the things.
Taking time for resting, quiet time, and naps were and are so important.
You don’t have to do all the things, which leads to my next point.
Focus on priorities
Given it’s not possible to do All The Things, it’s even more critical to prioritise the things which truly matter.
In my baby’s case this was identifying her core needs (feeding, rest, connection, play, time alone) and then prioritising them.
It also meant identifying my core needs as a parent (they aren’t too different from my baby’s: feeding, rest, connection, play, and time alone).
Initially everything else was peripheral to these core needs. As my baby grew, and especially when she passed the fourth trimester, we were able to slowly layer other needs and priorities.
But when things feel overwhelming or we have a lot on our plate, I return to those priorities.
I think a similar approach can be used in teams for either work or even to affirm and prioritise the team’s human needs.
Some of the most productive teams I’ve been a part of have recognised and prioritised these human needs like feeding, rest, connection, and play.
Look at everything like it’s new
Finally, one of the fun things about being a parent is seeing the world through your child’s eyes.
I imagine this will become even more fun as my baby gets older, but even at a nearly a year it’s such a joy to look at the world with fresh eyes.
I love getting at her level and seeing the world how she sees it: gazing at objects for minutes on end, or just looking out the window.
I’d like to bring this perspective with me to my next job.
I’d like to think about the things we may take for granted (stand-ups, programming problems, code) and imagine I’m experiencing them for the first time.
Perhaps that wonder and awe is something we need more of.