Announcement
31 May 2022A bit of an announcement…I’m pregnant!
I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what the experience has been like, especially what’s worked and what hasn’t as a mum-to-be in software engineering.
Pregnancy
Pregnancy is as demanding on the body as running a marathon every day for 270 days.
Having said that, pregnancy is also different for every person and I can only describe my experience.
For me, pregnancy has been difficult on a number of levels (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
I’m very lucky to have a low-risk pregnancy, not all can say the same. Despite being low-risk, the demands of pregnancy far exceeded my expectations.
For the first three months I had debilitating nausea from 8AM to 8PM paired with chronic, overwhelming fatigue (imagine the worst flu you’ve ever had and then double it, it felt like my body was shutting down). I went to A&E for a chest infection brought on by pregnancy (I had no idea this was possible).
The second trimester was a blur of continued overwhelming fatigue, chest pain, and problems breathing –– all stemming from severe costochondritis (again, caused by pregnancy). I was in and out of A&E. Some of the worst symptoms have eased off now in the third trimester, but I still find the fatigue to be shocking.
In addition to the physical symptoms I also struggled with perinatal anxiety and depression. Both can become serious and more often than not go untreated. I’m grateful I recognised the impact pregnancy was having on my mental health early and was able to reach out to a perinatal counselor for help. It’s made the world of difference to me.
What’s worked
Keeping that pregnancy context in mind, I think it’s worth highlighting what’s worked professionally.
Team support
The support I’ve received from my team and line manager have been invaluable. They’re all incredible.
I couldn’t have thrived professionally for the last seven months, despite all the physical and mental challenges, without their continued support.
Specific support which worked:
- Open conversation about support: I announced my pregnancy earlier than a lot of people. It meant that as a team we could have an open and constructive conversation about how best to support me and ways I could support the team.
- Flexibility: working around the nausea and fatigue allowed me to do my best work on my own schedule. Output mattered more than the hours I got the work done.
- “It’s ok to…” culture: this organisational culture trait is strong at GDS. Most of the team were part of GDS and we’ve brought this perspective to our new government department. It was liberating to express my needs and boundaries and have them listened to and respected by my teammates.
- Emotional validation: 1-1s with colleagues who actively listened to my concerns. It was especially helpful that a few of my colleagues were either parents themselves or had seen their partners go through a similar experience.
If you’re on a team and one of your teammates says they’re growing a human consider these ways of supporting.
Adding value
Early on we identified the ways I could add value to the team’s direction and the product while also keeping my health needs in mind.
I’m one of the longest serving engineers on the team with a lot of historical context and am pretty familiar with the entire stack. I’ve also got a background in application development, infrastructure, and user support. This meant a catch-all support and individual contributor role was ideal for me.
I could pay down technical debt, answer user support queries, up-skill new joiners to the team, and pair on any work which needed my knowledge – all at sustainable pace for me and the team.
I dabbled in infrastructure, application development and frontend HTML/CSS, and extended my knowledge of the product and user needs.
Delegating and prioritising
Delegating and prioritising effectively were critical to me and the team thriving.
I delegated the infrastructure lead role to a colleague, one of our recent new joiners, and it’s been a joy to see how he’s grown into the role.
During planning and prioritisation we would ruthlessly prioritise the work needed for the team, a pattern I followed in my day-to-day tasks.
Setting boundaries
This was challenging because I love my job, my team, and the product – it was difficult to step away when my health required me to.
However, it was really, really important as a pregnant person to listen to the signals my body was sending.
Setting boundaries was made easier by my supportive team and also got easier with practice. It also helped to prioritise my work and identify the ways I could deliver value.
What hasn’t worked so well
There were a few things that didn’t work as well on reflection, and I think it’s worth mentioning to help other teams working with people who are pregnant.
Trying to do everything
At first I tried to do everything, or at least wanted to. I wasn’t prioritising my health.
It was challenging to let go of the things I loved doing but it became quickly apparent that my pregnancy meant I had to adjust.
When I spoke with other pregnant people working in software engineering this was a common theme.
Perhaps there’s internalised pressure to treat pregnancy as something to “manage” alongside work; there were moments I felt guilty for growing a human even I know that’s ridiculous.
Since every pregnancy is different, not everyone has intense symptoms, I’d like to be careful about offering advice. However, I’m glad I stopped trying to do everything early, worked with my team to develop a plan, and prioritised my health.
Talking about pregnancy
This point isn’t exclusive to the professional space, I noticed these patterns with friends and family as well.
Talking about pregnancy with people who haven’t been pregnant or cis men who are unlikely to become pregnant was an interesting experience. A lot of the conversations I had were supportive, funny, and joyful.
A pattern I noticed however, mainly with cis men, was a desire to find solidarity of experience with me. For example, if I talked about being fatigued they’d chip in to say they understood how I was feeling because they too were tired that day.
That communication technique is very human and normal: wanting to reassure or find solidarity with a person by sharing one’s own experience.
Where I’d caution people who work with someone who is pregnant is that pregnancy is a unique, individual experience, felt differently by every person.
While it’s well-meaning to seek solidarity, it’s not actually possible and can feel diminishing.
What’s next
I start my parental leave this month. I’m excited for the time to focus completely on my health and prepare for childbirth.
It’s been an incredible nearly nine months. I’m grateful for every lesson my baby has taught me in utero and the support my team has provided.
I’ll be focused on becoming a new parent for the next six months and won’t be keeping up with writing, though I look forward to returning to it when the time is right.
Resources
Helpful articles on motherhood and software engineering: