New starts
24 Oct 2019The need for belonging
I’ve recently joined a new organisation. There are new challenges, new problems to solve, and some really neat infrastructure. The people I work with are smart, thoughtful, and fun to be around.
But in the background I sense something is a bit off. I’m not as fearless or as confident as before.
Mistakes loom larger and linger. Catastrophising is easier: a commit typo demonstrates my obvious ineptitude, a misunderstanding of terraform wiring proves I shouldn’t be a software developer.
At an intellectual level I know this is nonsense. It’s normal to make mistakes and not fully grasp new and sometimes complex codebases. Not only is this normal, it’s necessary for learning – mistakes are the best teachers.
So what’s going on?
I’ve been thinking a lot about psychological needs, especially Klaus Glawe’s work on basic human needs. Two strong and fundamental human needs are Attachment and Belonging.
When we enter a new social group the risk of rejection is heightened. Rejection represents a threat to our sense of attachment to, and belonging in, this new group. We’re more attuned to the behaviours and actions which we think could result in rejection – things like mistakes.
Not only are we more attuned to these perceived risks, we also seek ways to affirm our belonging and attachment. We seek external validation from members of the group which proves our belonging: praise for a task completed promptly, gratitude for volunteering, invitations for lunches.
To be clear, not everyone reacts to these needs the same. How we think and feel about attachment/belonging is grounded in our lived experience, especially as infants and children. Some folks join a new group blissfully confident in their sense of belonging while others struggle to feel like they fit in –– most probably fall somewhere between those extremes.
Thinking about the psychology of human needs is a helpful reminder to focus on the lessons I’m learning.